Breaking the Code (Part II)

I would never wish to be labeled unfair.  So, in an attempt to maintain harmony and produce a blog that offers equal exposure to both sides of the gender coin I will now embark on the male language.  For some reason I think the ladies will enjoy this one a bit more.  Hope you are entertained.

1.  “Uh huh” – If a woman says this to another woman, this demonstrates active listening skills.  When a guy says it, it is simply a place keeper (i.e. keep you in place where you are at on the couch and not have you get up in front of the TV to get his attention).  News flash: guys are not sneaky about using this technique.  It’s quite obvious.  Admittedly, my wife calls me on this all the time.

2. “In a minute” – This is a phrase that is simply a last ditch effort.  A stalling tactic.  The guy is well aware this phrase does not get the wife/girlfriend to leave him alone by saying this phrase.  On the contrary.  He knows it is just a matter of time before the “she devil” come back in the room and unleashes her wrath on him like a tidal wave.  However, this phrase is a meager attempt to shore that dam in an attempt to buy just a couple more minutes of game time.  Is it worth it?  It is if it allows you to get to half time without missing anything.

3. “Fine” – Contrary to She-nglish, when a guy says “fine” he is not using it as a place keeper for a future argument.  What this word means is “I’m sick of arguing about it, you win by default.”

4. “The game is on” – It doesn’t matter what game it is…it’s on.  This is not simply to inform the world that somewhere in America a game of some sort is being played.  No, it is a decree that for the next few hours anything that is not truly categorized as an emergency can wait.  Oh, and an emergency to a guy during game time is anything that will directly cause the loss of life in a short time…or the pizza is here.

5. “Of course I remember what today is” - Seriously, we’ve got no clue.  Just look at our expression.  Mildly panicked, sweating, looking around rapidly for clues.  What we are actually saying at this moment is “Oh crap.  What day IS it.  Think, think, think.  Shoot, still nothing.  Quick, make up some sappy lie…uh, like the first time I realized how beautiful your eyes are.  That’s it…that should at least buy me some mercy at the executioner’s table.”

6. “I’ll be right back” – This one is a situational one.  If we are headed into the lingerie section…we’ll be right back.  If we are going to the electronics section, don’t wait up for us.

I hope this balances out the two and provides a little bit of entertainment along the way.  If you have others please feel free to share.

Genghis Grill

Following the lead of my mentor, Mr.  Jeff Wheeler, I have decided to write about a place we recently ate that I think many of you may enjoy.  As indicated by the title, the name of the place is Genghis Grill.  You can find one of them on 1st Ave where Sienna Park used to be and the other is off Edgewood in the same plaza as Gander Mtn. 

The layout can be confusing at first, but rest assured it is a fairly simple process once you’ve gone through it once.  When you are seated, a metal bowl is placed on your table.  Rest assured that is NOT the bowl you will eat from.  You take that bowl to Khan’s Kitchen (a buffet type setup w/ uncooked meat and vegetables) and fill it with whatever meats you want first.  A few of the meats to choose from are chicken, beef, steak, ham, shrimp, and pepperoni to name a few.  You can have any or all of them.  Next, you add the seasoning.  I chose a Cajun spice for my steak and chicken.  Looking back, I wished I had also added some cayenne seasoning.  Next, you move to the vegetable area.  I added the mongo mix (a mixture of red & green peppers along with onions), potatoes, and broccoli.  There are so many more vegetables to choose from.  I’m just letting you know what I chose.  Finally, you must add the sauce.  I added the dragon sauce.  The dragon sauce could best be described as sweet & sour sauce w/ a kick.  Lastly, you tell the man at the grill whether you want noodles or rice.  If you want rice, you have your choice of brown, white, or fried rice.  Lastly, you wait for YOUR creation to be completed.  My entire family loved the food, the quiet atmosphere (until we arrived with Carsyn and Olivia), and the reasonable price.

Needless to say, I highly recommend this to everyone.  Even the vegetarians among us can eat there and still maintain a clear conscience.  Give it a try and let me know what you think.

Breaking the code (part I)

Some people make a living out of decoding encrypted messages.  Many of these people serve our government in the Department of Homeland Security.  Unfortunately, for many men this is where the ability to decode messages ends. 

In the world of a guy, communication is fairly black and white.  This is not true for a woman.  Take the following as examples:

When I sit and talk with a friend, I might ask him how a mutual friend is doing.  For me, a simple response of “fine” is acceptable.  To me, this means he is doing the same as the last time I saw him.  We might dive into the topic further for about 30 seconds or so, but that’s it.  However, when a woman asks you how someone is doing the same response of “fine” won’t work.  In fact, prepare for a tongue lashing.  When a woman asks how someone is doing, what they are asking is did anything exciting happen to them recently, if so how did they respond, if not then why not, how is their spouse, how are their kids, why haven’t we seen them lately, how is their work going, when will we see them again, and what did they have to eat last night (just to name a few things).  So, for the unmarried guys (or newly married ones) remember this, if/when your wife/girlfriend (you can only have one…I’m not suggesting you have both) asks you how someone is, spill your guts.  If you know their credit score, tell her that too.  Tell her anything other than “fine.”  Trust me, that is the path of least resistance.

Probably the most significant thing to understand is this:  “Nothing” never means nothing.  Let me elaborate.  Say you violate the previously mentioned “never say fine” rule.  Your significant other sits quietly.  You ask her what’s wrong and she says “nothing.”  DON’T BELIEVE HER!!!!  While she might have verbally said nothing is wrong, what she has really said is, “Boy you just screwed up and you had better start sucking up to me in a hurry or I’ll make your life miserable.”  The absolute worst thing you can do at this point as a guy is continue on with what you were doing because she said nothing is wrong.  You are now entering troubled waters and must proceed with caution. 

A third encrypted code is the line “5 minutes.”  This has a double meaning depending on the context it is used in.  For example, when you ask when she will be ready, her response is “5 minutes.”  15 minutes later you are leaving.  Accepting that 5 minutes is another way of saying “leave me alone, I’ll be ready when I’m ready” will go far in preventing arguments in your relationship.  Now, when you are watching a game and you tell her you’ll be up in 5 minutes, you do not get the same pass.  Don’t believe me?  Try it and see.  I dare say it will only take one time for you to understand.  Under no circumstance are you to bring up this double standard.  If you do, you might as well return to the paragraph above for how to continue forward.

When your wife/girlfriend comments on how good her friend/sister/some random woman looked, this is not an invitation for you to start commenting on how good that person looked.  This is true even if she asks you what you thought.  What she is doing is fishing for a compliment (even if it is on a subconscious level).  The safest approach is to agree w/ her but immediately follow it up w/ a compliment to her that sets her above the woman being discussed.  For example, “Yes, dear, she did look good, BUT I didn’t notice her all that much because I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.”  See what happened there?  You acknowledged a stated fact, but made sure you placed your wife/girlfriend above “that other girl.”  Some might tell you to disagree w/ your significant other and make some disparaging remark (like “I think she’s gained weight”), but that gets dangerous.  If that is a close friend of hers you might do more harm than good.  The sure fire way is the way I recommended.  Even if she knows you are lying, she will appreciate the compliment and the attempt at making her feel good.

Seeing as how I’ve already passed the 700 word count, I’ll cut this list off for now.  As indicated, this is merely part one of an ongoing series.  Hope this was entertaining (oh, and Kelly, I always mean it when I say you look better than any woman in the room).

Belated Movie Review

The other week, the family and I went over to the Wheeler’s house for pizza and a movie.  The movie of choice was The Pink Panther.  Now, I must admit I was more than a little sceptical about this movie.  I expected it to be dumb…and not in a good way.  I expected it to be dull and the jokes to fall flat.  However, what I found was nothing shy of cinematic mastery.  Take the following scene:   How can a person sit back and not at least quietly chuckle to themselves?  I don’t care who you are, passing gas is always good for a laugh.  It’s like it’s somehow ingrained in our DNA to laugh at such events.

The whole movie wasn’t just about passing gas.  There was also a wonderful display of team work.  Just watch and see:   Just classic.

In short, I’d highly recommend this movie to anyone and look forward to the release of the next one.  If you are dead set against this movie because you are loyal to the old school version, you are only robbing yourself of pure enjoyment.  It’s an A+  If nothing else, this movie will give you 2 new phrases to arbitrarily say at any point in time (“I’d like to buy a hamburger” said w/ a quasi French accent and “Lovely weather we are having today”…you have to have seen the movie to catch that one).  Lastly, the camouflage scene is classic.  Probably the hardest I’ve laughed in a long time.  I tried to find a clip to attach, but no luck.  Again, if you haven’t seen this movie go watch it.  It’s a MUST SEE.

A Most Excellent Adventure

The title to this one brings back memories of one of my personal favorite movies when I was younger.  To the younger ones (i.e. 20 and younger), this movie will be as obscure as some of the movies my parents watched were to me.  The movie is Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  This was the first movie I ever remember seeing Keyanu Reeves.  Not one of his more intellectual roles, but a classic none the less. 

Anyways, my “excellent” adventure started Sunday night when I spun off the road in a truck that wasn’t even mine.  It was Mr. Jeff Wheeler’s.  Fortunately, I did not hit anything and came to rest softly in a nice mud pile.  Unfortunately, that same mud pile that provided a soft halt was the reason I could not get out.  A friendly State Trooper gave me a free ride up the hill to a McDonalds while I waited on a couple selfless gentlemen from church to come pick me up (a special thanks to Bob Kenward and Kevin Daugherty).  Walking out to Bob’s truck was the longest walk to date as I just knew they were laughing at me.  Shoot, I would have been laughing at me.  I don’t think any of this would have been as embarrassing if I had done it in my own vehicle.  

Monday, I headed back out to the scene of the crime to have the truck towed out.  It was in mud, so how long could this take…right?  Well, overnight in the near zero temp, the ground had frozen and the puddle the back tires were in had frozen around them.  All inch and a half of water was now a block of ice and the tires were it prisoner.  After and hour and a half on Monday night, we acknowledged we were not going to win this battle that night and headed home to gather the troops for another battle the next day.  Tuesday, Kelly and I headed back down to the site with shovels and garden hoe’s in hand as well as hammers and screwdrivers to break that ice apart.  Pastor Dan followed us down there, unannounced to us until we were a couple of miles away.  I truly did not want him to head down there with us because it was his day off and for a man who works as tirelessly as he does, he should enjoy that day off.  Rescuing a vehicle from the snow is not my idea of a day off well spent.  Pastor Dan, however, is a man unlike most.  Some people will spend Sunday mornings puting on a show for others so as to appear to be a “good Christian.”  Pastor Dan is what he appears to be.  He really is the kind hearted individual you see Sunday and Wednesday.  There is no mask there.  His actions outside the church support this claim.  I’m very lucky to have the oportunity to worship with him.  Anyways, back to my story.  The 3 of us ventured back down to West Branch on Tuesday sure this would be the day we drive the truck home.  Wrong again.  No matter how much ice I broke away, there was always more underneath it.  Now, I might be crazy but I’m sure I heard the ice laughing at me as I tried to break the truck free.

I took Wednesday off from work so I could dedicate the entire day to getting the truck out of the ice block it was in.  I started at roughly 10:30 (perhaps 11am) and FINALLY got the back driver’s side tire to bust free of the ice at about 2:30pm.  Excited, we called the tow company.  However, due to the heavy traffic that resulted from a wreck that had happended 100 ft away from where the truck was, they couldn’t get out to us until later.  After waiting an hour and a half only to be told it would be another 30 – 45 min, we elected to wait until the next day to try to pull it out.  We hurried home to shower and get to church for AWANA where we learned Thursday was to welcome in an ice storm.  All my hard work would be wasted.  I called the towing company to see if they could meet us out there that night.  They agreed and at about 9:30 pm (roughly 77 hrs after the accident) I was out of the median and back on the road.  Like a prisoner set free, the Dakota was back on the road.  A bit dirtier (well, a LOT dirtier) but back on the road none the less. 

Through all of this, the Wheelers have been wonderfully understanding.  Their first concern was of my well being.  I got the playfull ribbing that a friend would give you following such an occurance, but it was the same kind of ribbing I would have gotten had I done this in my own car.  I count myself truly fortunate to have such understanding and patient friends as the Wheelers. 

With this, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and safe driving.

Unanswered Questions

Don’t be fooled by the title.  This is in no way a serious topic.  On the contrary, it is a collection of unanswered or stupidly intriguing questions I’ve heard during the course of my life.  If you have any you’d like to share please do.  I’m all ears.  So, without further ado, here goes:

1.  If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they get teflon to stick to the pan?

2. What are hyenias laughing at anyways?

3. How do asprins find headaches?

4. Why do dogs circle before they lay down?

5. If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is “progress” the opposite of “congress?”

6. Did Adam have a belly button (must credit Pastor Dan w/ this one)?

7. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

8. Why do we have all that brain but use so little of it?

9. Why does everything taste like chicken?

10. Why do your shoe laces always seem to break at the most inopportune time?

 

There is a world full of questions, but these are just the first 10 I thought of.  What questions do you have?

Good News

Buy your lottery tickets now for hell hath frozen over.  Don’t believe me?  Look and see.

http://www.wunderground.com/cgi-bin/findweather/getForecast?query=Hell

(rest easy, it’s Hell, Michigan…yes there is such a place)

OUCH!!!!!!!!!

Most people know exactly what I feel like right now.  You are presented w/ an oportunity to get involved in some physical activity and you take it.  Sure, you know it will be difficult, but you used to be able to do such things with ease so it won’t be too bad…right?  Then it happens.  Your body gets into an argument with your mind.  Your mind is telling you that you are still 18 or 20 yrs old and can do this w/ no problem.  Your body, on the other hand, is reminding you that you are in fact 30 (or older) and haven’t done this type of activity for more than 10 years.  Of course, I chose to ignore my body the best I could, but today…ouch.  My body is saying “I told you so.”  How did I get this far out of shape?  When did all this happen?  I know I’ve seen gray hairs sprouting on my head, but those were issued to me with my children.  It doesn’t mean I’m old by any stretch of the imagination. 

I knew this was coming, so it has come as no surprise.  Truth be told, this is why I’ve chosen to be a wrestling coach.  I wanted to get back into shape and needed something to motivate me.  Now, I’m doing something I love while getting into shape in the process.  If I live through this wrestling season, I look forward to seeing how much weight I’ve lost and what my new pants size is.  If the results are good, I’ll revisit this topic in March.  If they aren’t, I’ll banish this topic and never bring it up again.

The Rivalry

It’s that time again.  The time of year when the air is cold, Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and two distinct groups of people come together for 60 minutes to express their undying hatred for one another.  Well, perhaps I’m overdoing it a bit with the word “hatred” but you get the point.  I’m talking about the annual rivalry game between Ohio State and Michigan.  Growing up in Ohio, it is impossible to get away from this game.  For many years, I didn’t even care about the Buckeyes.  However, when I went to college my allegiance moved from the Iowa Hawkeyes (was a fan mainly because of their wrestling team) to the Buckeyes.  Ever since then, this date is circled on my calendar.  This game can make up for a winless season up to that point or relegate an undefeated season as a disappointing season if you were to lose that one.  Yes, it is that important. 

Children are taught at an early age in Ohio that michigan is bad.  In fact, they are so despised most Ohio State fans won’t even refer to the university of michigan by name.  It is known as That Team Up North (or TTUN for short).  Former Ohio State coach, John Cooper, is loathed by Ohio State fans despite averaging 9 to 10 wins per year for the Buckeyes.  The big reason for this, he was 2-10-1 against the Wolverines.  Like I said, it doesn’t matter how many wins you have during the year if you lose to your rival.  Consequently, he was fired and Jim Tressel was brought in.  Jim Tressel has earned near rock star status in Ohio mainly because he has gone 6-1 vs michigan.  Funny how one game can determine the success or failure of a coach.

I think I’ll let ABC end this.  Their promo before the 2006 Ohio State vs michigan game (where they came into the game nationally ranked #1 and #2 respectively for the first time ever) pretty much sums up how the fans feel about this game and how important this game is to its players.  If you need me at 11 AM on Saturday, you know where I’ll be.

FYI

I know I’m a bit late w/ the whole Veteran’s Day thing, but I figured I’d take a look at some of the things the military has given us.  Going the route of “protecting our freedom” is too easy and so overdone this time of year.  I’m going to direct my focus elsewhere.

Did you know the military has influenced our speech?  Of course you’ve heard of cussing like a sailor, but that isn’t exactly what I had in mind.  There are simple little phrases that we say everyday that have their roots in military history.  So, here are a few that I can come up w/ off the top of my head:

1)  “The whole 9 yards.”  In the old days, bullets were shipped attached to one another in a belt like configuration.  The length of these “belts” was…you guessed it…9 yards long.  So, when a person was said to have fired off the whole 9 yards it was being said they shot every bullet they had on that belt.

2) “…to the biter end.”  This is an old navy term.  The end of a rope that is not tied off to anything is known as the “biter end” of the rope.  This is the very end of the rope and if you are holding on to the biter end of the rope you have nowhere else to go except off.

3) “AWOL”  This stands for Absent Without Leave.  In other words, a person in the military is absent from work without taking leave (vacation time) to allow himself/herself to miss work.  This has been adapted to fit everyday work environment and beyond.

4) Sideburns  The military wasn’t the first to allow hair to grow uncontrollably down one’s face.  However, a member of the military did make it famous.  Colonel Burnside had some serious chops on the side of his face.  So much so they took on his name (Sideburns rearranged is Burnside).  See link for a picture of this man of folical beauty.  http://www.worldlymind.org/burnside1.jpg  Real looker, ain’t he?  Not one of the military’s finer creations.

I just find it interesting how our speech is formed virtually everyday from the most obscure places.  Ten years ago, if you used the word “blog” people might think it was something like a blob.  Now, everyone knows (well almost everyone) what it is.  Feel free to add on to this list if you know of some other phrases used in daily life that you find their origin interesting.